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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Ten Things Due To Happen In 2010 According To Science Fiction

1. Eviction of aliens from District 9 begins: Wikus Van De Merwe becomes infected and starts turning into an alien.
2. Drone robots created by humans to carry out construction jobs (Matrix Revolutions)
3. City of San Angeles is created after the Great Earthquake destroys San Diego and Los Angeles (Demolition Man)
4. The US Space shuttle fleet is retired (Enterprise)
5. HAL-9000 is re-activated (2010: The Year We Make Contact)
6. SG-1 attempt to send a message to the past to prevent earth's alliance with the Aschen Confederacy (Stargate)
7. Lars abandons his job as Assistant Director of the New York Aquarium and heads to the North Pole on a whaling boat (Futurama)
8. A new form of space-based energy is adopted (Arthur C Clarke)
9. The first baby is born on Arkadia (Space 1999)
10. Construction begins of the Trans-Atlantic Tunnel (Harlem Heroes, 2000AD)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Ten Squarest States In The US (Number One Being Squarest)

1. Wyoming
2. Colorado
3. Kansas
4. North Dakota
5. New Mexico
6. Utah
7. South Dakota
8. Pennsylvania
9. Nebraska
10. Arizona

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Ten Answers To Beach Boys Songs

1. Nice? It would be AMAZING.
2. What, to EAT? Has anyone ever told you, you're really odd?
3. Yeah he's OK, but he's not all that.
4. The answer's in the question if you think about it.
5. Who else would it be?
6. Yes - and we'd like you to share it with the rest of the class, Wilson.
7. No, I'm sorry. We've got work to do. You can't daydream all your life.
8. So does my kid. But he's 18 months old.
9. Oh, now I'm holding you up?
10. That's really not any excuse is it?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Ten Most Deadly Animals In The World (Average Annual Fatalities In Brackets)

1. Mosquito (Up to 2,000,000)
2. Snake (Up to 125,000)
3. Scorpion (Up to 2,000)
4. Big Cat (800)
5. Crocodile (Up to 800)
6. Elephant (Up to 500)
7. Hippo (Up to 150)
8=. Jellyfish (100)
8=. Shark (100)
10. Bear (5-10)

Ten Things That Make For Really Dull Lists

1. Favourite records
2. Goals
3. Items of shopping
4. Things to do
5. Gigs
6. Friends
7. Lovers
8. Achievements
9. Resolutions
10. Lists

My Top Ten Songs Of The Decade, Determined By The Number Of Plays On iTunes (Regardless Of Whether They Were Actually Released In The Last Ten Years)

1. Shack - Happy Ever After
2. Madonna - Burning Up
3. Robert Wyatt - At Last I Am Free
4. Brian Eno - Needles In The Camel's Eye
5. The Association - Never My Love
6. Beachwood Sparks - By My Side
7. Electrelane - More Than This
8. The Beatles - Come And Get It
9. David Bowie - A New Career In A New Town
10. Flowered Up - It's On

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Ten Irish Writers Recommended By Kevin Rowland

1. Oscar Wilde
2. Brendan Behan
3. Sean O'Casey
4. George Bernard Shaw
5. Samuel Beckett
6. Eugene O'Neill
7. Edna O'Brien
8. Lawrence Stern
9. Philip Casey
10. Paeder Kearney

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Ten Bands I've Somehow Managed To Avoid Seeing Live

1. Oasis
2. Pixies
3. St Etienne
4. Morrissey
5. Portishead
6. Bruce Springsteen
7. David Bowie
8. Grace Jones
9. Depeche Mode
10. Kraftwerk

Monday, October 05, 2009

Ten Uses of the Verbs 'Sough'/'Slough' by Norman Mailer

1. "...the soughing of surf" ('The Naked And The Dead')
2. "After a hundred yards they were forced to slough through..." ('The Naked And The Dead')
3. "Live with your cowardice… Hate it or defend it, but don't try to slough it off." ('The Spooky Art: Some Thoughts On Writing')
4. "…a New England wind… came soughing out of the sky" ('Advertisements For Myself')
5. "…even the sloughing of prejudice, particularly when it is abrupt, partakes of the naive" ('Advertisements For Myself')
6. "...the wind soughed through the draws" ('The Naked And The Dead')
7. "Whatever strait-jacket there had been about his movements lately would be sloughed off…" ('The Naked And The Dead')
8. "…as he had sloughed off Hearn" ('The Naked And The Dead')
9. "The president was, after all, getting into the same slough of muddy reasoning as the liberals" ('How the Wimp Won the War')
10. "there is still hope for me if only I can slough the hundred crimes upon my head" ('Barbary Shore')

Top Ten Causes of Injury in the Street in 1887 (number of injuries in brackets)

1. Light Cart (1,138)
2. Cabs (919)
3. Vans (683)
4. Omnibuses and Cars (346)
5. Broughmans and Carriages (345)
6. Heavy Carts (153)
7. Horses Ridden (135)
8. Wagons and Drays (133)
9. Covered Vehicles (67)
10. Velocipedes (53)

Monday, September 07, 2009

Ten Lessons I Learnt From My Brother

1. Everything sounds funny in a West Country accent
2. The glass is always full
3. The Greatest Love Of All is an awesome song by George Benson, not a crappy song by Whitney Houston
4. There's always time
5. The weaker sex is the one that thinks one sex is weaker
6. You can solve most things with a smile
7. Never be scared of straight lines
8. Stay friends with your exes
9. You can usually rely on a farmer to pull you out of a ditch
10. Always be the good guy

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Ten Nuclear Strategies Considered By WOPR (War Operations Plan Response) In The Film Wargames

1. Sudan Surprise
2. Hong Kong Variant
3. Venezuela Sudden
4. Seato Decapitating
5. English Escalation
6. Chad Alert
7. Iraq Sovereignty
8. Mongolian Thrust
9. Turkish Heavy
10. Bulgarian Clandestine

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Ten Worst Ideas That Have Been Touched By The Hand Of 'McG'

1. Charlie's Angels
2. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
3. Terminator Salvation
4. Terminator 5
5. The 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea remake
6. The Revenge of the Nerds remake
7. Hot Wheels
8. Offspring's Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) video
9. The Spaced Remake
10. His name

Ten Arsenal Football Clubs

1 FK Arsenal, Serbia
2 FK Arsenal, Montenegro
3 FC Arsenal Kyiv, Ukraine
4 Arsenal Wanderers, Mauritius
5 Arsenal de Sarandí, Argentina
6 Arsenal (Maseru), Lesotho
7 Berekum Arsenal, Ghana
8 FC Arsenal Kazanlak, Bulgaria
9 Arsenal FC (Roatan), Honduras
10 FC Arsenal-Tula Tuka (Russia)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ten Things 'They' Will Probably Consider Bringing The Face Magazine Back As

1. A Twitter update
2. A ringtone
3. An iPhone 'App'
4. One of those papers you find at the bottom of the escalators in the tube
5. A 'brand extension' 
6. A banner ad
7. A ROFLcopter
8. Zoo with more fashion-related breasts
9. A social network
10. All of the above

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Ten Best Gay Cars of 2009*

1. Audi A4 - Best Car for the Gay Professional
2. Infiniti AX - Best Car for the New Gay Family
3. Maserati Gran Turismo S - Best Boy Toy
4. Honda Civic GX Natural Gas Vehicle - Best Green Queen
5. Mitsubishi Lancer GTS - Best Gay Teen Machine
6. Saab 9-3 Lynx Yellow Convertible - Best Topless Go-Go Getter
7. Nissan Maxima - Best Cruiser for the Trendy Gay Man
8. Ford Flex - Best Retro Flagship
9. Ford Glass Top Mustang - Top Gadget God
10. Erm, there's only 9

*According to's Gay Life section

Friday, June 19, 2009

Ten Managementspeak Slogans

1 There’s no YOU in OUR FIVE YEAR PLAN
2 You can’t have your stupid TEAM MEETING without ME
3 There’s a big I in QUIT
4 There’s none of US in TEAMWORK
6 Never make the same mistake twice unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it again
7 You’ve got your TOTAL TRANSPARENCY back to front
8 I’ve tried 360 THINKING but I ended up where I started
9 Never ask WILL THIS DO (it probably will)
10 If we take U out of THE NEIGHBOURHOOD it makes no difference to our American bosses

Friday, May 22, 2009

Ten Candidates For The 1860 Republican Presidential Nomination (Who Weren't Called Abraham Lincoln)

1. William H Seward, New York (173.5 votes in first ballot)
2. Edward Bates, Missouri
(48 votes)
3. William Lewis Dayton, New Jersey (14 votes)
4. John C Frémont, California
(1 vote)
5. Salmon Portland Chase, Ohio (49 votes)
6. Jacob Collamer, Vermont
(10 votes)
7. Simon Cameron, Pennsylvania (50.5 votes)
8. John McLean, Ohio (12 votes)
9. Benjamin Franklin Wade, Ohio (3 votes)
10. Cassius Marcellus Clay, Kentucky (0 votes)

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Ten Comments I Just Accidentally Deleted...

Um, I just realised I'm not as unpopular as I thought - there were a load of comments waiting to be moderated by me. So I selected them all, thought I'd pressed 'publish', and then tried to delete an obvious spam one. Umm.. anyway, thanks for your comments

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Ten Of The Great Disappointments In Life

1. Getting a cardboard puzzle as the 'suprise' in your Kinder Egg
2. Waking up to realise the clocks have gone forward
3. Finding that the 'Big Match Revisited' on ITV4 is highlights of the Division Two match between Leyton Orient and Brighton & Hove Albion. From 1979.
4. Realising too late that The Colour Of Money in the TV schedules is a crappy gameshow, not the Paul Newman movie.
5. The new U2 album (whatever year of the 21st Century it is)
6. Having a quarter-bowl worth of cereal left in the packet
7. Final Score
8. Oxford Street
9. Burnt toast
10. Luton Airport

Friday, April 10, 2009

Ten Rubbish Groups Who Probably Haven't Told Their Parents What Their Band Is Called

1. Selfish C**t
2. Nashville Pussy
3. F*** Buttons
4. Holy F***
5. F***
6. The F***ing Champs
7. Anal C**t
8. The C**ts
9. F***ed Up
10. The F***in' S**t Biscuits

Ten Canapes I'd Never Eat

1. Chicken sandwich minus the filling
2. Doritos with added dollop
3. Blinis wrapped round cucumber
4. Bruschetta Doorsteps
5. Tomato and mozzarella, 'grilled in some way'
6. Hot tinned tuna and basil oil
7. Peanut butter sandwiches
8. Wraps with extra leaves
9. Cold vol-au-vents
10. A piece of cheese and a lump of branston on a cocktail stick

Ten London Roads That Used to be Called Charles Street

1. Aylward St, E1
2. Scurr St, E14
3. Greville St, EC1
4. Viscount St, EC1
5. Yeate St, N1
6. Corrall Rd, N7
7. Phoenix Rd, NW1
8. Nicholson St, SE1
9. Trevor St, SW7
10. Queensdale Pl, W11

Monday, March 09, 2009

Ten Words Used Most Often By US Presidents In Their Inauguration Speeches

1. Obama: "Nation"
2. Bush: "Freedom"
3. Lincoln (1st): "Constitution"
4. Clinton: "Century"
5. Reagan: "Government"
6. Lincoln (2nd): "War"
7. Kennedy: "Side"
8: Jefferson: "American"
9: Cleveland: "People"
10: Washington: "Oath"

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Gregg Wallace's Ten Best Moments

1. "It's like a lemon has just picked you up by the ears and given you a big snog."
2. "I'll quite happily lay down in it and have a sleep."
3. "That is the most perfect chocolate pudding as I have ever sunk my lips into."
4. "...Whaaaaey, it's still coming."
5. "I have a rather large mouth, but that's a lot to get in."
6. "That bird is so moist, and there's little pockets of zing, zing, zing..."
7. "There are fruit coolies running through her veins."
8. "Beefy, beefy mushrooms!"
9. "Ooh, that has flicked every one of my switches."
10. "I want to take a running jump into it."

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Ten Rutger Hauer Films You May Have Missed

1. Terror In The Aisles (1984)
2. The Blood Of Heroes (1990)
3. The Beans Of Egypt, Maine (1994)
4. Dracula III: Legacy (2005)
5. Omega Doom (1997)
6. Flying Virus (2001)
7. Bone Daddy (1998)
8. New World Disorder (1999)
9. Mariette In Ecstasy (1996)
10. Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ten Unfortunate Presidents

1. William Harry Harrison, 1841
Read the longest inaugural address in history in freezing weather; died of pneumonia a month later
2. Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850
Died of food poisoning from canapes at a July 4 party
3. Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893
So scared of new-fangled electricity he refused to turn the White House lights off at night
4. James Buchanan, 1857-1861
Appointed his niece First Lady as he was a bachelor
5. Woodrow WiIson, 1913-1921
Won a Nobel Peace Prize despite openly supporting the Ku Klux Klan
6. William H Taft, 1909-1913
The most obese President; once got stuck in the White House bath
7. John Tyler, 1841-1845
Campaigned under the slogan "Log Cabins and Hard Cider"
8. Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853
Having failed to win the nomination of his own party for a second term, he stood as the Know Nothing candidate in 1856
9. Warren Harding, 1921-1923
Consistently voted the worst US President due to his verbal gaffes and corruption scandals
10. George Bush, 2001-2009
Worst Presidential approval rating in history (20%)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ten Stunning Revelations From Rafa Benitez

1. Fergie intimidates referees
2. The 'respect' campaign is a load of old bollocks
3. Bears shit in woods
4. The Pope is catholic
5. It's not a good time to be in the banking business
6. Hamas and Israel don't seem to get on very well
7. We've had warmer Januarys
8. Coolio is a bit annoying on that Big Brother show
9. Night follows day
10. The whole Sarah Palin thing kind of back-fired

Thursday, January 01, 2009

The Ten Busiest Months On The Lister*

1. January 2006 (31 posts)
2. February 2006 (16 posts)
3. December 2005 (14 posts)
4= March 2006 (10 posts)
4= May 2006 (10 posts)
6. June 2006 (9 posts)
7. November 2007 (8 posts)
8= April 2006 (7 posts)
8= July 2006 (7 posts)
8= April 2007 (7 posts)

*AKA a desperate attempt to keep my post rate up

Human Population Counts From Battlestar Galactica

1. Day 1: 20,000,000,000
2. Day 6: 50,298
3. Day 10: 47,958
4. Day 51: 47,875
5. Day 174: 49,605
6. Day 280: 44,035
7. Day 650: 43,400
8. Day 800: 41,435
9. Day 1,100: 39,698
10. Day 1,166: 39,665