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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Ten Places You Can See Swastikas in the UK

1. Around the dome of the BBC's Bush House
2. Along the gates at the back of the Royal Academy
3. On every Maharishi product
4. Around Manchester's Central Library
5. On Baden-Powell's Medal of Merit for Scouts (c1922)
6. On the Swastika Stone, Ilkley moor, Yorkshire
7. As the emblem of the British National War Savings Committee from WWI
8. On the war memorial at Balmoral Castle
9. On the dust jacket of Rudyard Kipling's books
10. In the floor tiles of NatWest bank, Derby Street, Bolton

Ten One-Line Reviews

1. Changeling: Angelina Jolie shouts a bit too much
2. Mamma Mia: Only the out of tune men fully grasp the concept of a karaoke movie
3. Revolutionary Road: Getting Married? May as well kill yourself now
4. In Bruges: "Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf" = line of the year
5. Milk: Sean Penn for Mayor
6. Frost/Nixon: They can't have been that amateur, surely?
7. The 39 Steps (2008 TV version): Worst use of a ventriloquist's dummy ever
8. No Country For Old Men: Should have finished 20 mins sooner
9. The Duchess: She's quite good you know
10. Generation Game (1970s rerun); Best thing on telly all Christmas

Ten Signs I'm Middle Aged

1. Tutting at Radio One
2. Really wanting to stay in on New Year's Eve
3. Feeling 100% relaxed and calling the officer 'mate' when being pulled over for a random festive breathalyser
4. Getting irate about any band that has a swearword in their title
5. Siding with the Daily Mail over Wossgate
6. Being more concerned about getting back to feed the cats than having 'one for the road'
7. Thinking 'one for the road' is a really irresponsible phrase, especially given (3)
8. Having my eyes on a nice cardie in the January sales
9. Not thinking I'd miss out on anything by moving to the countryside
10. Realising my age is half the average national life expectancy

Ten Uses For The Extra Second The Boffins Have Given Us For New Year's Eve*

1. Shout "HAPP…"
2. Make an eleventh resolution
3. Add "…ryingoutloud" to the F-word you just shouted
4. Swiftly cross your fingers after that promise you just made
5. Pour yourself a second's more wine into the glass
6. Rewind the Ian Faith/"money talks" bit from Spinal Tap
7. Try and work out the second line to Auld Lang Syne
8. Try and point out that you hadn't read the new issue of The Word magazine when you wrote that last post
9. Listen to one of these again
10. Have another second in bed

* See here for extra second news

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Ten Alternative Phrases Almost As Stupid As The Credit Crunch

1. The Economic Eek
2. The Financial Filibuster
3. The Dollar Doldrum
4. The Market Mayhem
5. The Bank Balls-up
6. The Sub-Prime Sucker-Punch
7. The Sterling Stunner
8. The Treasury Trump
9. The Lehman Lemming
10. The Realty Recession

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Ten Shops I Used To look Forward To Visiting*

1. Exeter Pram & Toy Shop
2. BOY
3. Fat Cat
4. HyperHyper
5. Michiko Koshino
6. Tower Records
7. Casio G-Shock Shop
8. Ray's Jazz
9. Kensington Market
10. Soul II Soul

*That Aren't There Anymore. Or At Least Not Where They Used To Be. You Get My Drift.