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Sunday, December 02, 2007

Ten Muses For Imaginary Menswear Collections

1. Derek Jarman (the Dungeness years)
2. Marty McFly (Back to the Future)
3. Ruprecht (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels)
4. Ronnie Lane (the country years)
5. The Savage Huns (The Warriors)
6. Kevin Rowland (Young Soul Rebels era)
7. Andrew Ridgeley (the retirement years)
8. Lil' Crazy Legs (Rock Steady Crew)
9. Lando Calrissian (The Empire Strikes Back)
10. Hiro (Heroes)

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Ten Things You Can Do While Smoking Outside Besides 'Smirting'

1. Smoring - Boring people while smoking
2. Smining - Whining about having to go outside to smoke
3. Smorking - Catching up on work while smoking
4. Smexting - Texting while smoking
5. Smopping - Window shopping while smoking
6. Smarrassing - Harrassing passers-by while smoking
7. Smurfing - Surfing the internet on your phone while smoking
8. Smiding - Hiding from your ex while smoking
9. Sminking - Having a swifty while smoking
10. Smullshitting - Carrying on your pub conversation while smoking

My Ten Favourite Native Americans*

1. Toohoolhoolzote
2. Turkey Leg
3. Young-Man-Afraid-of-His-Horses
4. Curly Headed Doctor
5. Hump
6. High Back Bone
7. Leg-in-the-Water
8. Roman Nose
9. Lightning Blanket
10. Rain-in-the-Face

*As featured in Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee by Dee Brown

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Nine Repetitive Onomatopoeic Japanese Words

1. Chiku-taku (tick tock)
2. Gari-Gari (scratching)
3. Pan-pan (prostitute)
4. Potsu-potsu (drip drop)
5. Sara-sara (flowing water)
6. Ton-ton (tapping)
7. Wa-wa (baby crying)
8. Zanpan (leftovers)
9. Za-za (pelting rain)

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Ten Blue Plaques I'd Like To See

1. Brian Harvey ran himself over here.
2. John Prescott threw a punch here.
3. George Michael drove into a car parked opposite here.
4. Diana Ross was frisked here.
5. Kate Moss had a quiet night in here.
6. Naomi Campbell's mobile phone landed here.
7. Tony Blair felt the hand of history on his shoulder here.
8. Blake was incarcerated here.
9. Elton landed Michael Caine his album deal here.
10. Tom Cruise was last popular here.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Ten Lessons To Be Learnt From Dennis Potter

1. Resist cynicism, invite criticism.
2. Appreciate the now.
3. Don't be seduced by conformity.
4. Nurture and cherish talent.
5. Figures aren't everything.
6. There are reasons for tradition.
7. Fight the commodification of public life.
8. Be true to your idea.
9. Put wood to good use.
10. Always make time for your dad

Ten Catchphrases For Imaginary 80s US Sitcoms

1. Wake me up and tell me I'm dreaming!
2. The whole damn world's gone doolally!
3. No, it's just my Rubick's Snake!
4. Well kick me up the ass!
5. That's what Dr Harbunkle said!
6. By the power of stray gulls!
7. I just moved into the brownstone!
8. I thought you said we didn't need cords!
9. Has anyone seen my hairspray?
10. It even tells the time!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Ten Prince Albums Nobody Really Bothered With

1. O(+> (1992)
2. Come (1994)
3. The Gold Experience (1995)
4. Chaos and Disorder (1996)
5. Emancipation (1996)
6. Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic (1999)
7. The Rainbow Children (2001)
8. Xpectation (2003)
9. N.E.W.S. (2003)
10. Musicology (2004)

Ten Great Seventh Tracks On Albums

1. Johnny Cash, American IV – 'Personal Jesus'
2. Mary J Blige, My Life – 'My Life'
3. Klaxons, Myths of the Near Future – 'Gravity’s Rainbow'
4. Bob Dylan, Pat Garrett & Billy The Kid – 'Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door'
5. Rufus Wainwright, Rufus Wainwright – 'Beauty Mark'
6. The Stone Roses, Second Coming – 'Begging You'
7. Prince Po, The Slickness – 'The Slickness'
8. Portishead, Dummy – 'Numb'
9. The Fall, Fall Heads Roll – 'Blindness'
10. Pixies, Doolittle - 'Monkey Gone to Heaven'

Ten Perfect Instrumental Tracks

1. Giorgio Moroder - 'The Chase'
2. Aphex Twin - 'Goon Gumpas'
3. New Order - 'Elegia' (full version)
4. David Crosby - 'Tamalpais High'
5. Booka Shade - 'Vertigo'
6. David Bowie - 'A New Career In A New Town'
7. Michael Head and The Strands - 'Undecided (Reprise)'
8. Paul McCartney - 'Singalong Junk'
9. Durutti Column - 'Sketch For Summer'
10. Blind Willie Johnson - 'Dark Was The Night' (sighing doesn't count)

Ten Perfect Ways To Start The Weekend

1. Cat jumping on head.
2. Finding out what you can use that quince in the fridge for on Saturday Kitchen.
3. 'At Last I Am Free' by Robert Wyatt.
4. Listening to hysterical relationship break-up happening outside bedroom window, and feeling glad it's not us.
5. Realising November = Christmas at Starbucks.
6. Wondering why the odds for 'Agbonlahor' to be first scorer in the Arsenal v Man U game are so low in the window of the local Ladbrokes, considering he plays for Aston Villa.
7. Fry-up at Jenny's.
8. Tabloid football coverage.
9. The view coming home.
10. Live football before you've even woken up properly.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Ten Worst Premiership Players*

1. Darius Henderson (Watford)
2. Gavin Mahon (Watford)
3. Nicky Shorey (Reading)
4. Phil Neville (Everton)
5. Nicky Hunt (Bolton)
6. El-Hadji Diouf (Bolton)
7. Tommy Smith (Watford)
8. David Bentley (Blackburn)
9. Paul Robinson (Tottenham)
10. Kevin Davies (Bolton)

*Where 10 = crappest. According to Dr Ian Graham and Dr Henry Stott's Poisson log-normal statistical model (minimum of 400 minutes play to qualify)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Ten TV Shows Currently Showing In The UK That Lord Reith Would Never Have Okayed

1. Dancing On Ice: Defrosted
2. Help! My Dog's As Fat As Me
3. Sex In Court
4. The Bull**** Detective
5. My Big Breasts And Me
6. F*** Off, I'm A Hairy Woman
7. Booze Bird: Mishief
8. Penn & Teller: B*******!
9. Freaky Eaters: Addicted To Chicken
10. Half Ton Hospital With Jeremy Kyle

Monday, April 16, 2007

Ten Variations On A Rather Obvious Headline Pun

1. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Freddie? (The Observer)
2. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Mourinho? (The Mail On Sunday)
3. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Korea? (Time)
4. How Do You Solve A Problem Like ITV? (The Independent)
5. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Blair? (The Guardian)
6. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Sharia? (American Thinker)
7. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Mary? (Christian Broadcasting Network)
8. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Obama? (Chicago Sun-Times)
9. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Nasrallah? (World Net Daily)
10. How Can A Linguist Solve A Problem Like 'La Présidente'? (The Telegraph)

Ten Revealing Entries In The 'Cast Of Characters' Appendix Of Piers Morgan's 'Don't You Know Who I Am?' (Ebury Press)

1. AA Gill - "Absurdly smug and annoying TV critic"
2. Alan Sugar (Sir) - "Permanently angry tycoon"
3. David Aaranovitch - "Fat, miserable Guardian columnist"
4. David Blunkett - "Former Home Secretary, now serial whinger"
5. Ian Hislop - "Professional cynic and part-time editor of Private Eye"
6. John Prescott - "Political laughing stock"
7. Kate Winslet - "Very-pleased-with-herself actress"
8. Pete Doherty - "Singer (allegedly)"
9. Rebecca Loos - "My second cousin, also known for having fling with David Beckham"
10. Rod Liddle - "Britain's ugliest man. Also writes"

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Ten Letters To Today's Times

1. Spectacles, rectangular shape thereof - L Hewings, Taunton, Somerset
2. Hostages, comparisons with Red Guard treatment, Beijing - Sir J Weston, Richmond, Middlesex
3. Hostages, ineffectuality of UN with regards to - Lt Commander K Arnitage (retd), Kesgrave, Suffolk
4. Prince Albert, talents as a hat designer - M Dennis, Gillingham, Kent
5. MPs, relative value of salaries - P Inson, Wembley, Middlesex
6. Cycling, topography of Britian as a limit to - J Gallini, St Leonards, Sussex
7. CPS, charging process of - C Pitt, Southampton, Hampshire
8. Home births, practicality of - E Annesley, Nottingham, Nottinghamshire
9. Army Benevolent Fund, appeal on behalf of - C Samuel, Cardiff, Glamorgan
10. Incas, record keeping systems of - P Thompson, London

Sunday, April 08, 2007

George Foreman's Ten Children

1. Natalie Foreman
2. Michi Foreman
3. Leona Foreman
4. Freeda George Foreman
5. George Edward Foreman Jr
6. George Edward Foreman III
7. George Edward Foreman IV
8. George Edward Foreman V
9. George Edward Foreman VI
10. Georgetta Foreman

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Ten Ridiculous Jean-Claude Van Damme Character Names

1. Chance Boudreaux (Hard Target, 1993)
2. Phillip Sauvage (The Hard Cops, 2006)
3. Lyon Gaultier (Lionheart, 2000)
4. Frank Dux (Bloodsport, 1988)
5. Gibson Rickenbacker (Cyborg, 1989)
6. Edward 'The Torch' Garrotte (Replicant, 2001)
7. Jacques Kristoff (Derailed, 2002)
8. Charles Le Vaillant (The Order, 2001)
9. Rudy Cafmeyer (The Order, 2001)
10. Gay Karate Man (Monaco Fever, 1984)

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Jeremy Kyle's Ten Best Topics

1. Who's Father To Your Baby? Me Or My Dad?
2. I Can't Remember Cheating On You But I'll Prove You're Our Baby's Dad!
3. My Kids Are Black And Angry!
4. Mum, Please Start Eating, Please Stop Drinking!
5. I'm A Binge Drinker And A Drug Dealer, But I'll Be A Great Dad!
6. A Forty Year Feud - But Are We Even Sisters?
7. Irresistible To Women - My Fiancee Accepts It's Not My Fault!
8. Your Baby's Too White To Be Mine!
9. I Want My Boyfriend To Give Birth To Our Baby!
10. Has My Mum Had A Baby With My Husband?

Ten Teams That Romario Has Scored For In His 1000-goal Quest

1. Brazil
2. Brazil Olympic Team
3. Brazil World Cup winners (tenth anniversary team)
4. PSV
5. PSV Stars
6. Adelaide FC
7. Olaria Infants (aged 13)
8. Miami FC
9. Friends of Aldair
10. Friends of Lusinho

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Ten Things To Visualise To Prevent Climax

1. Michael Vaughan sat on the balcony in his sweaty vest
2. "MaggieThatcherMaggieThatcherMaggieThatcher"
3. John McCririck in his underpants
4. Wee Jimmy Crankie
5. Gordon Brown
6. Mr Brown, our French teacher at school
7. Bilbo Baggins
8. The Proclaimers
9. David Pleat doing his little hop
10. Having to change your blogger account to gmail

Sunday, March 18, 2007

One Weekend, Ten Really Badly Named Bands Playing In London...

1. The Ape Drape Escape
2. Creepy Morons
3. My Sad Captains
4. The Fabulous Penetrators
5. The Groanbox Boys
6. Miniskirt Blues
7. evianNnaive
8. Amadeus And The Composers
9. Kamikaze Creamcake
10. Nathan Flue-box

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Top Ten Celebrity Dogs*

1. Schnorbitz
2. Duke (John Wayne's)
3. Maggie Mae (Lily Allen's)
4. Choppy (Ivana Trump's)
5. Martha (Paul McCartney's)
6. Puffy (Janet Jackson's)
7. Sheba (Kylie Minogue's)
8. Angel (Chuck Norris's)
9. Sweetlips (George Washington's)
10. Ching-Ching II (Shirley Temple's)

*Sponsored by the sterling chaps at ONETrueSaxon.
Not that there's any money in it, but they promised me some new socks.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Ten Words You Don't Hear Very Often These Days

1. Cagoule
2. Forthwith
3. Blimmin'
4. Dachsund
5. Toad-in-the-Hole
6. Garter
7. Seance
8. Woodwork
9. Darn
10. Elevenses

Monday, January 22, 2007

Ten Tips For Successful Living

1. Never enter a pub opposite a railway station.
2. Never talk to a man in a cagoule hood.
3. Never lend soap.
4. Never explain jokes.
5. Never volunteer.
6. Never bet on England.
7. Never own up.
8. Never offer to wash up.
9. Never use baskets to carry eggs.
10. Never read the last page of a book first.

The Ten Dullest Football Autobiography Titles

1. Stephen Gerrard: My Autobiography
2. George Cohen: My Autobiography
3. Greavsie: The Autobiography
4. Banksy: The Autobiography
5. Tom Finney Autobiography
6. Peter Shilton: My Autobiography
7. Jack Charlton: The Autobiography
8. Kevin Keegan: My Autobiography
9. Robbie Folwer: My Autobiography
10. Harry Redknapp: An Autobiography