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Monday, February 27, 2006

Ten Pop Double Negatives

1. I Ain't Got Nobody - Sly & The Family Stone
2. Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers
3. Don't Mean Nothing - Nancy Sinatra
4. Never Learn Not To Love - The Beach Boys
5. Ain't Nobody - Rufus And Chaka Khan
6. I Ain't Never Gonna Give You Up - Paula Abdul
7. Ain't No More Cane On The Brazos - The Band
8. Never No More - Aaliyah
9. I Don't Need No Doctor - Ray Charles
10. Never Done Nothing Like That Before - Supergrass

Ten Film Spoilers

1. Soylent Green is people
2. He's a man in drag
3. Bruce Willis is dead too
4. It's the name of his sled
5. It's a made up name: but it's the Cripple you're after
6. The moral is, even if you own up you'll all get crucified anyway
7. Mr Memory has memorised it
8. She was dying of cancer
9. He didn't kill his father: he IS his father
10. He's a Replicant too (possiby)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Ten Best Named Tube Stations In London

1. Chalfont & Latimer
2. Debden
3. Fairlop
4. Cyprus
5. Mudchute
6. Chorleywood
7. Barkingside
8. Theydon Bois
9. Upney
10. Ickenham

Ten Ace Pharaohs

1. Re'neb
2. Khufu (Cheops)
3. Ay
4. Shoshenq II
5. Peftjauwubast
6. Hotopsekhemwy
7. Takelot II
8. Snefru
9. Queen Twosret
10. Aha

Ten Great Font Names

1. Zebrawood Regular
2. Frutiger
3. Spoleto
4. Wet Napkin
5. Buckeroo
6. Chivalry
7. Monkeyboy
8. Quinquefoliolate
9. Jabbie Junior
10. Wait And Bleed

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ten Half-Decent Punchlines That Aren't '...The Aristocrats!'

1. I know and I'm only thikthteen
2. Ian fell over
3. And the doctor hits it on the head with a cricket bat
4. That's OK, I'm not really a nun - I'm the bus conductor
5. In that case I'll have 20 Marly Lites thanks
6. Oi! Get off my f***ing bonnet!
7. A rabbit on a motorbike
8. And then all of a sudden this brick comes out of nowhere
9. Dot
10. Aaaargh, trying to get tapes from Manchester

With thanks to

Ten Things I Regret Saying Last Night

1. You know Steve don't you?
2. I like your record
3. Hi I played football with you once
4. Who's birthday is it?
5. She slept with who?
6. I was expecting you to have a beard
7. What's your name again?
8. Can you make my friend a birthday cocktail?
9. We need to put the rubbish out
10. We'll go after this one

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Ten Classic 'Skip The Middle Bit' Books

1. Being and Nothingness
2. Foucault's Pendulum
3. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists
4. Vernon God Little
5. Tender is the Night
6. A Confederacy of Dunces
7. One Hundred Years of Solitude
8. Ulysses
9. Anna Karenina
10. The Bible

Monday, February 13, 2006

Pop's Ten Most Awkward Parentheses

1. (White Man) In Hammersmith Palais - The Clash
2. (You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin
3. (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher & Higher - Jackie Wilson
4. (I’m Always Touched By Your) Presence, Dear - Blondie
5. (You Caught Me) Smilin’ - Sly & The Family Stone
6. (Get A) Grip (On Yourself) - The Stranglers
7. (When You) Call Me - The Style Council
8. (This Is Not A) Love Song - PiL
9. (Song For My) Sugar Spun Sister - The Stone Roses
10. () - Sigur Ros

Ten Phrases That Have Never Been Spoken Truthfully In The History Of People Speaking Aloud

1. It's alright, I was awake anyway
2. With all due respect...
3. It was like that when I found it
4. I was just about to do it
5. I don't mean to interrupt...
6. I'm still listening
7. I'll see what I can do
8. Honestly, I don't mind either way
9. It won't take more than five minutes
10. I don't mean to be rude...

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Ten Historical Dates Yet To Be Turned Into Books / Films*

1. 1307
2. 816 BC
3. 1863
4. 996
5. 1722
6. 2003
7. 402
8. 11 BC
9. 1476
10. 1049

*With thanks to 016 (AD)

Monday, February 06, 2006

Ten Selling Points That Aren't As Unique As They Used To Be

1. With LCD Display
2. Front-loading tape deck
3. Cordless
4. Issue Two free with Issue One
5. With gripping hand action
6. Speaks six common phrases
7. Voice-activated
8. Infra-red
9. Maxi-sized
10. With own carrying case

Ten Terrible Ideas For Lists

1. Any attempt to objectively rate and compare music
2. A team of eleven players who never played in the World Cup finals
3. Foreign products with names that sound slightly rude in English
4. Any list involving goals
5. Anything that involves dissecting the plot of Star Wars
6. Lists claiming to tell men what they should have done before the age of X
7. Lists of things you shouldn’t say to certain groups of people
8. Homer Simpson quotes
9. Changing the titles of songs to fit a laboured topical theme
10. Anything at all that includes a pun

Ten Grandchildren Queen Victoria Could Quite Easily Have Got Muddled Up

1. Albert Victor Christian Edward
2. Albert William Henry
3. Albert John Charles Frederic Alfred George
4. Arthur Frederick Patrick Albert
5. George Frederick Ernest Albert
6. Alfred Alexander William Ernest Albert
7. Frederick William Victor Albert
8. Christian Victor Albert Ludwig Ernest Anton
9. Ernest Louis Charles Albert William
10. Victoria Alberta Elizabeth Matilda Mary

Bob Dylan's Top Five Feet Of Clay Moments

1. Wiggle wiggle wiggle rattle and shake / Wiggle like a big fat snake (Wiggle Wiggle)
2. You may be a construction worker working on a home / You may be living in a palace or you might live in a dome (Gotta Serve Somebody)
3. He saw milk comin' out but he didn't know how / 'I think I'll call it a cow' (Man Gave Names To All The Animals)
4. Ten thousand men on a hill / Some of em going down, some of em gonna get killed (10,000 Men)
5. He drank Coca Cola, he was eating Wonder Bread / Ate Burger Kings, he was well fed (Clean-Cut Kid)

Ten Great Additions To The English Language Provided By The Sadly Defunct/Internet Brand-Extended Smash Hits*

1. No sniggering at the back
2. Sir Fab Macca Whacky Thumbs ALoft
3. Marilyn - does anyone still want him?
4. Pop vixtress
5. Swoonsome
6. Herbacious borders
7. Puh-lease / Ack-cher-loi
8. Sir William Of Idol
9. Lord Freddy Of Mercurydom
10. It's like punk never happened

*Or, to be more precise, Neil Tennant