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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ten Convincing Pieces Of Evidence To Prove The Existence Of A 'Superman Curse'

1. Christopher Reeve falls from his horse and is paralysed, eventually dying of complications arising from his injuries.
2. George Reeves found dead with a gunshot wound to the head.
3. Margot Kidder suffers a nervous breakdown.
4. Richard Pryor dies from severe multiple sclerosis.
5. Kirk Alyn fails to sustain a film career.
6. Bud Collyer dies of a circulatory ailment.
7. Dean Cain appears in 'Gentle Ben 2: Danger On The Mountain'.
8. Teri Hatcher (allegedly) falls out with her 'Desperate Housewives' co-stars at a magazine photoshoot and is then libelled by a UK tabloid. Or something.
9. Marlon Brando fails to live up to his early potential, his son kills his daughter's boyfriend. His daughter commits suicide. He dies.
10. Adolf Hitler misappropriates Nietsche's theory of the Superman, indirectly resulting in the Holocaust.

Ten Bad Career Moves Billy Dee Williams Made After 'The Empire Strikes Back'

1. Secret Agent 00 Soul (1990)
2. Deadly Illusion (1987)
3. Time Bomb (1984)
4. The Return Of Desperado (1988)
5. Hood Of Horror (2006)
6. Triple Cross (1985)
7. Message From Nam (1993)
8. Alien Intruder (1993)
9. Dangerous Passion (1990)
10. Fear Runs Silent (1999)

Monday, January 30, 2006

Five Cosmopolitan Claims For London At The Turn Of The Last Century

1. More Jews than in all Palestine
2. More Roman Catholics than in Rome
3. More Scotchmen than in Aberdeen
4. More Irishmen than in Belfast
5. More Welshmen than in Cardiff

Ten Mysteries Of Modern Life

1. When did shop dummies first get nipples?
2. More to the point, why?
3. What happened to talking bins?
4. Chris Evans: where did it all go wrong?
5. How come the Liberals aren’t very liberal when it comes to choosing their leaders?
6. Is air travel a bad thing now then?
7. If the Pet Shop Boys, Human League and Depeche Mode are all cool again, is it alright to like Howard Jones too?
8. Has Sir Clive Sinclair invented anything since 1985?
9. All that time away to think and Noel Edmonds still kept the goatee…
10. So is Jamie Foxx a singer now, or is he still acting being a singer on his new record?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Top Ten Headlines About George Galloway Since He Went In The Big Brother House

1. George In Dodgepot Shocker (
2. Galloway Finally Implodes (The Sun)
3. Career Meltdown For Galloway (Ch4 News)
4. McCririck Hits Out At Galloway (ITN)
5. Oor Georgie - But Whaur's Jeemy? (Daily Record)
6. George Galloway Has Sung In An Elvis Wig (BBC News)
7. Galloway In Death Threat (The Sun)
8. Queen Could Punish Galloway (UTV)
9. Galloway Loses Respect (Daily Telegraph)
10. George Galloway: Pussy (

Top Ten Causes Of Road Traffic Deaths In London In 1887 (Number Of Persons Killed In Brackets)

1. Vans (30)
2. Light Carts (22)
3. Cabs (20)
4. Heavy Carts (15)
5. Wagons and Drays (13)
6. Omnibuses and Cars (7)
7. Broughmans and Carriages (6)
8=. Horses Ridden (2)
8=. Covered Vehicles (2)
10. Traction Engines (1)

source: Chas. Baker & Co's Pocket Map Of London, 1887

Monday, January 23, 2006

Population Of London By Nationality In 1881 (edited highlights)

1. English: 3,934,368
2. Irish: 80,778
3. Scotch: 49,554
4. Welsh: 28,085
5. Germans: 21,966
6. French: 8,251
7. Italians: 3,504
8. Russians: 1,778
9. Swedes: 904
10. Danish 533
11. Spaniards: 473
12. Greeks: 228
13. Portuguese: 151
14. Roumanians (sic): 36
15. Servians (sic): 4

source: 1881 census

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Ten Cover Versions I'd Like To Have Heard

1. Stiff Little Fingers - Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves
2. The Fall - Wham! Rap
3. Kraftwerk - Talk
4. Billy Bragg - Candle In The Wind
5. Syd Barrett - Barnaby The Bear
6. Gram Parsons -I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Head
7. Michael Jackson - Hurt
8. Mary J Blige - Push The Button
9. Bob Dylan - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
10. Willy Nelson - When Doves Cry

Ten Countries That No Longer Exist

1. Bechuanaland
2. Tannu Tuva
3. Biafra
4. Moresnet
5. Wallachia
6. Upper Volta
7. Spanish Sahara
8. Katanga
9. Ifni
10. Fernando Po

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Billy Bragg's Ten Clunkiest Song Titles

1. Chile Your Waters Run Red Through Soweto
2. A Nurse's Life Is Full Of Woe
3. Help Save The Youth Of America
4. The Clashing Of Ideologies
5. The Marching Song Of The Covert Battalions
6. Nicaragua Nicaraguita
7. I Dreamed I Saw Phil Ochs Last Night
8. I Don't Need This Pressure Ron
9. A13, Trunk Road To The Sea
10. Scholarship Is The Enemy Of Romance

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Ten Famous People I've Seen On The Way To Work (In Order Of Impressiveness)

1. Louise Wener
2. Anthony Worral-Thompson
3. Frank Dobson
4. Normski
5. Phill Jupitus
6. Liz Bonnin from 'RI:SE'
7. Christopher Fairbank from 'Auf Weidersen, Pet'
8. Chris Cunningham
9. Timothy Spall
10. Nick Cave

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Ten Product Recommendations From Soldier Magazine's 'Retail Recce'

1. Concise Illustrated Battlefield Guide: The Western Front
2. M*A*S*H Season 9 DVD
3. From Russia With Love (PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)
4. Diplomacy (PC)
5. Call Of Duty: Big Red One (PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)
6. American Conquest: Divided Nation (PC)
7. Battlefield 2: Modern Combat (PS2, Xbox)
8. Operation Flashpoint Elite (Xbox)
9. Bowman digitised communications system
10. VIPIR thermal imaging system

Sunday, January 15, 2006

10 Surprisingly Bad Football Pundits

1. Graeme Le Saux
2. John Barnes
3. Steve Claridge
4. Rodney Marsh
5. Peter Schmeichel
6. Martin O'Neil
7. Jamie Redknapp
8. Alan Shearer
9. Bobby Robson
10. George Best (RIP)

Ten Unpopular Female Jobs In England And Wales In 1931 (Total Number Of Women Employed In Brackets)

1. Fishermen (80)
2. Clog Makers (79)
3. Coopers, Hoop Makers and Benders (79)
4. Skilled Workers in Ale (50)
5. Mechanical Engineers (45)
6. Shepherds (25)
7. Metal Foundry Foremen (7)
8. Glass Ware Gatherers (4)
9. Millwrights (2)
10. Tram Drivers (1)

*Source: 1931 Census of England and Wales

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Ten Things That Are Troubling Me

1. Shouldn't E4+1 be called E4-1, strictly speaking?
2. Why does Luis Garcia suck his thumb like that?
3. Who compiled the John Peel 'tribute' CD, and don't they think its predictability does his memory something of a disservice?
4. Is there anything that actually constitutes 'food' in an IKEA hotdog?
5. Why do they keep calling it 'ITV1' when some of us still think of it as Channel 3?
6. Is an egg an animal?
7. Zits inside the nostril: why have they only appeared since 2004?
8. Isn't it a bit odd that you never hear Simon Cowell talk passionately about his favourite music?
9. How could Rick Rubin produce that Shakira album in between Johnny Cash and Neil Diamond?
10. How come you can get a Barbour jacket fixed for life, but not an iPod?

Friday, January 13, 2006

Ten Headlines From The Hull Daily Mail (Incorporating The East Riding Mail) That Could Just As Easily Be Song Titles By Sufjan Stevens

1. Hearty Soup Ousts Council Cream Cakes
2. Under 10s Ask For Help To Kick Habit
3. Water Way To Cross A River
4. Why Should The Public Buy Councillors Soup And Rolls?
5. The US Star Who Made Holderness Her Home
6. Five Year Wait For Playtime Is Over
7. A Purrfect Way To Fight Drugs
8. Build Us A Place To Leave Our Cars
9. We Will Mend Your Wendy House, Luda
10. Level Of Problem Dictates Solution

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Ten Cynical Book Titles

1. The Author Is Deceitful Above All Things
2. A Million Little White Lies*
3. 100 Years Of People With The Same Name
4. (A Book I Knocked Off On) Saturday
5. Is It Just Me Or Does Every New Release Have Shite In The Title?
6. The Wind-Up Your Reader Chronicle
7. Extremely Loud And Incredibly Over-Exposed
8. A Heart-Breaking Work Of Staggering Market Placement
9. The Possibility Of An Island (Of Pseudo-Intellectual Misogyny)
10. Indecision (Followed By Cop-Out)

*Buy this title and get My Friend The Truth half price

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The Answer Sheet To The Bob Dylan Section Of Every Pub Quiz Ever

1. A bottle of bread
2. Ronnie Hawkins
3. 115th
4. I will accept either Judas Priest or John Wesley Harding
5. Homer
6. 1963 and 1988 (there have been two world champion boxers called Davey Moore)
7. Olivia Newton-John
8. Vomit fire
9. It officially ended in 1983
10. “What is this shit?”

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Ten Inner Groove Messages From Smiths/Morrissey Records

1. Slap me on the patio (This Charming Man)
2. The impotence of Ernest (William, It Was Really Nothing)
3. Our souls, our souls, our souls (That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore)
4. Arty bloody farty (The Boy With The Thorn In His Side)
5. I dreamt about stew last night (Panic)
6. Are you loathsome tonight? (Ask)
7. Cook Bernard Matthews (Sheila Take A Bow)
8. Guy Fawkes was a genuis (Strangeways Here We Come)
9. Aesthetics Versus Athletics (Bona Drag)
10. Nothing to declare except my jeans (Kill Uncle)

Ten Great FA Cup Cliches Observed This Weekend

1. Cardboard cut-out of FA Cup, covered in silver foil.
2. Plucky side matching Premiership team for 70 minutes.
3. Lucrative replay at Old Trafford.
4. Humorous chant about Delia Smith.
5. Man clutching corner flags stood next to manager on TV.
6. Champagne celebration in the third round.
7. Pitch invasion.
8. Keeper in opposition penalty area.
9. Goal from halfway line.
10. Football, eh? Bloody hell.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Great Swear Words Of The Past

1. Shitten shepherd
2. Queint
3. Brock
4. Sfoot
5. Slangrill
6. Zounds
7. Hogges tord
8. Turtle's egg
9. Fichtre
10. Chretien

Ten (UK) Big Brother Contestants I Bet You'd Forgotten About

1. Gos
2. Vanessa
3. Elizabeth
4. Stuart
5. Lynne
6. Alison
7. Sandy
8. Gaetano
9. Tom
10. Cameron

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Four More Daily Classics From The Daily Mail

1. Lessons in gay history for pupils aged seven
2. Now Labour pulls plug on swimming pools
3. Housing ladder: only way is up
4. The AA: Absolutely Awful

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Bernard Sumner's Ten Worst Rhymes

1. Here comes love, it's like honey / You can't buy it with money (Crystal)
2. But out there the world is a beautiful place / With mountains, lakes and the human race (Krafty)
3. Every second counts / When I am with you / I think you are a pig / You should be in a zoo (Every Little Counts)
4. I like walking in the park / When it gets late at night / I move round in the dark (Subculture)
5. Even now, I'm all alone / Behind a wall that's made of stone (State Of The Nation)
6. My wife she lay upon the floor / And with tears her eyes were sore (Love Vigilantes)
7. Love is the cure for every evil / Love is the air that supports the eagle (Thieves Like Us)
8. It don't take no Houdini / To tell me what I am / Parasites and literasites / They'd burn me if they can (All The Way)
9. But even though I give you special treatment / You keep getting high, juvenile delinquent (Chemical)
10. Your country is a wonderful place / It pales my England into disgrace / To buy a drink that is so much more reasonable / I think I'll go there when it gets seasonable (Sooner Than You Think)

The Four Most Daily Mail Headlines In Today's Daily Mail

1. PC culture 'causes more harm than good'
2. Teen recovering after 'snowball rage' attack
3. Tramp stole my hospital bed!
4. How to spot criminals? Cut them in half!

Monday, January 02, 2006

Ten Songs That Namecheck Reebok Classics

1. Arctic Monkeys - 'A Certain Romance'
2. Babyshambles - 'Albion'
3. Pete Doherty - 'Hooray For The 21st Century'
4. Beanie Sigel (feat Snoop Dogg) - 'Don't Stop'
5. Paul Wall - 'They Don't Know Freestyle'
6. M.I.A. - 'Sunshowers'
7. Red Venom - 'B-Boy Supreme'
8. Hot Boys - 'Jack Who, Take What?'
9. Big Tymers - 'Nigga Couldn't Know'
10. 50 Pence - 'P.I.N.T.'

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Eleven Answers To Prince Songs

1. But How Could U B? Eye Know U R A Man
2. What Look Would That B?
3. It's OK, Ronnie Did Already. In Eye-celand
4. B Cos U R Weird On Tha Phone
5. But U Would Be Even Less Use Dead
6. Well That's Fine Cos I Am Happy With My Man
7. I'd Rather Not Bone At All If It's All The Same 2 U
8. Yes, True - But Usually It Just Rains
9. Then Y Do U Keep Using That Squiggle Thing? Or Is That All In The Past Now?
10. It Might Not Matter But How Are We Going To Get Home? I Spent My Last 2 Quid On That Kebab
11. You Mean Let's Pretend 2 Bicker About Tha Washing Up? No Thanx I'm Doing My Hair

Ten Footballers Who Sound like Literary Characters

1. Lovenkrands
2. Fortune
3. Queudrue
4. Pennant
5. Hoyte
6. Doumbe
7. Unsworth
8. Huddlestone
9. Bowditch
10. Fulop

Ten Legitimate Grounds For Divorce

1. The sound of defendant’s eating.
2. Defendant’s consistent finishing of the milk.
3. Defendant’s collection of small and allegedly “cute” figurines.
4. Defendant’s constant use of pet names in public.
5. Defendant’s inability to use the clutch correctly.
6. Defendant’s hogging of the remote control.
7. Defendant’s refusal to acknowledge the genius of Bob Dylan / George Best / Billie Piper.
8. Defendant’s sniggering at plaintiff’s stash of vintage comics “which must be worth a fair bob or two nowadays”.
9. Defendant’s lack of respect for stylus.
10. Defendant’s reliance on overly familiar gags that weren’t particularly funny 15 years ago.

Ten Things That Aren’t Half As Bad As People Make Out

1. Peter Crouch
2. Brussels sprouts
3. McFly
4. Ringo Starr
5. Political Correctness
6. The United States of America
7. The London Underground
8. Manchester United
9. Anti-smoking fascism
10. The Kids

Ten New Year’s Resolutions Worth Sticking To (Compiled With The Help Of Popular Songs)

1. (Don’t give love) a bad name.
2. Tell her tonight.
3. Emancipate self from mental slavery.
4. Let her down easy.
5. Don’t get lost in heaven.
6. Never fall in love again.
7. Kick out the Jams.
8. Make him feel (mighty real).
9. Be her dog.
10. Just be thankful for what you’ve got.